Miley Cyrus, Tiger Woods, what do they have in common? No, I’m not suggesting that Tiger is at the heart of yet another unspeakable scandal; all I’m suggesting is that there’s something about celebrity and names which seems to be growing, and its not looking good.

Miley Cyrus, to me, sounds like a cleaning product; something to clean the toilet bowl with, for example. While Tiger would best be suited to a trapeze artist at the circus, or to, I don’t know, a wood that is frequently filled with tigers?

This is wreaking havoc with my spell-check just writing it down. I have a feeling my spell-check is either going to disown me or just leg it sometime in the future, what with this trend in weird celebrity names set to continue–

Excluding Frank Zappa, who I think we can let off the hook for naming his baby—with his wife Gail—‘Moon Unit Zappa’, who else is going to be having a very hard time explaining themselves in the future?

1) Fifi Trixibelle is going to hate her parents: Paula Yates and Bob Geldof; that said, she’ll probably be so rich that nobody will dare laugh at her, lest be out on their ear and free of a job.

2) Neil Marmalade will be having very strict words with mummy and daddy after he fails a few job interviews—that’s parents Helen Baxendale and David Eliot. Honey, yes, at least it brings to mind good memories of sweet food, or even Nutella, because it’s a good ice-breaker–But Marmalade? I don’t know about you but I find the stuff to be alright in moderation, but certainly not every morning on toast.

3) Jamie Oliver and Jules, what a couple! They can do anything! But the one thing they cannot do is play with words. Not only have they managed to name their baby a truly rubbish name—‘Daisy Boo’—but they have made certain that poor little daisy will never be able to leave the house without having the living daylights scared out of her!